Turning toward your spouse
There are many times in a relationship in which one partner
bids (or petitions) for the attention of the other. Think about a relationship
that you are in. In this relationship have you been asked to help your partner
in a menial task? Has that partner told you that they love you (and you sensed
that they desired you to reciprocate this)? Have you received a text just to
see how you were doing or to express distress? These are examples of bids for
attention that your partner may be expressing to you. When put in these
situations you have two options, you can either turn to or turn away from your
partner by either taking the time to respond or disregarding their bid for your
attention. It is natural in our ever day hustle to meet our own needs that we
will disregard the needs of our partners.
It is my hope that we will be able to overcome this tendency
through making a conscience effort in order to turn to each other in simple
actions. It is important that as you strive to turn to your partner that you do
so in a personal way, this will make it meaningful. With this in mind it is
important for you to take a mental inventory of the things that you know about
your spouse and how you can make them feel loved.
One way expressed by Gottman is through simply asking your
spouse about their day and actively listening. As you show to your spouse that
you are sincerely interested in knowing how they are doing they will feel of
your love and likely want to reciprocate it. This exercise when preformed daily
(as possible) has the power to transform your relationship.
Gottman gave some ground rules to help you get the most out of this experience:
1. Take turns- each of you should have time to talk,
2. Show Genuine Interest- remember this exercise is meant to show your support and love for your spouse, show that love through genuinely listening to your partner,
3. Don’t give unsolicited advice- Just allow your spouse to share what they need to, only offer advice if they ask for it.
4. Communicate your understanding-Make sure that your partner knows that you understand what they are feeling.
5. Take your partner’s side- Even if you think that what your partner is sharing is ridiculous try to see things in their eyes and take their side so they can feel they are supported and loved.
6. Try to express a, “We against you,” attitude- You and your partner are a team, help your spouse to feel this and fight against your spouse’s troubles together.
7. Show affection- Speak your partner’s love language, if your partner loves physical touch provide physical touch, show your spouse that you love them.
8. Validate emotions- As mentioned before it is not time to fix or correct your spouse. The feelings that your spouse is expressing are very real to them, show them that you care and understand these feelings through validation.
(If you would like to learn more about validation I recommend the book, “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships,” by Gary Lundberg).
Gottman gave some ground rules to help you get the most out of this experience:
1. Take turns- each of you should have time to talk,
2. Show Genuine Interest- remember this exercise is meant to show your support and love for your spouse, show that love through genuinely listening to your partner,
3. Don’t give unsolicited advice- Just allow your spouse to share what they need to, only offer advice if they ask for it.
4. Communicate your understanding-Make sure that your partner knows that you understand what they are feeling.
5. Take your partner’s side- Even if you think that what your partner is sharing is ridiculous try to see things in their eyes and take their side so they can feel they are supported and loved.
6. Try to express a, “We against you,” attitude- You and your partner are a team, help your spouse to feel this and fight against your spouse’s troubles together.
7. Show affection- Speak your partner’s love language, if your partner loves physical touch provide physical touch, show your spouse that you love them.
8. Validate emotions- As mentioned before it is not time to fix or correct your spouse. The feelings that your spouse is expressing are very real to them, show them that you care and understand these feelings through validation.
(If you would like to learn more about validation I recommend the book, “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships,” by Gary Lundberg).
Resources:
Link to buy book: https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Have-Make-Everything-Better/dp/0140286438
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). Die 7 Geheimnisse
der glücklichen Ehe. Düsseldorf: Von Schröder.
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