Let Every Act be an Act of Love

In every relationships conflicts are bound to arise, we are all distinct individuals with our own preferences and understanding of the world that we live in. When we get married we essentially attempt to combine two individual worlds and create a new little world. There is bound to be friction and conflict in this process. D

In Gottman’s book: The Seven Principle for Making Marriage Work he states: “Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.” I have reflected on this statement and have found parallels in my own life that have led me to believe that it is true. There must needs be opposition in all things, if there is not an opposing force there is no way that growth is possible. I think about some of the traditions that my family developed growing up for holidays, etc. These holidays originated from differences within my parent’s traditions that were compromised to create the best possible outcome for us kids.

Gottman described two different forms of problems, those that are solvable (they can be worked through), and grid-lock conflicts (things that are not realistically going to change).

The following outlines some of the differences between the two different types of conflicts.

Signs that a conflict may be grid-locked

• ·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner
• ·         You keep talking about it but make no headway
• ·         You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge
• ·         When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt
• ·         Your conversations about the problem and devoid of humor, amusement or affliction
• ·         You become even more “unbudgeable” over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations
• ·         The vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions and polarized more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise
• ·         Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.

Solvable problems: Ways to go about solving them.

• ·         Make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh
• ·         Learn the effective use of repair attempts
• ·         Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding
• ·         Learn how to compromise
• ·         Become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections

Gottman argued that many problems are grid-locked, if you squeeze your toothpaste one way and your spouse does it a different way these habits likely won’t change. Like-wise if your partner stresses about being late and consequently drive quickly (and maybe unsafely) to arrive somewhere on time this habit is likely not going to change. This doesn’t mean that these conflicts have to wear on your marriage. There are ways that you can work around these grid-lock problems in order to create positive outcomes.

The most important concept, from my experience in overcoming conflict in this or any other form is to refrain from anger and other negative emotions on either end of the equation. When anger is a part of the equation the angry party loses part of their self-control and ability to reason, they are likely physiologically entering the fight or flight mode in which they are less focused on understanding and more focused on survival. It is natural to become upset when things get escalated it is possible and important to hit the pause button and calm down before continuing to work through the conflict.

My parents were wonderful examples of how to work through problems or misunderstandings constructively. I have NEVER heard my parents raise their voices except when calling us for dinner when we are outside (or something of that like nature). I watched as my parents were gentle in stating and working through their concerns. This has instilled within me a desire to go about resolving issues in a loving and gentle way. I know that it is important to be firm in my beliefs and standards but that it is also important to value to viewpoints of others and strive to see their individual needs. It makes conflict resolution much more effective and less stressful. (The only downside is I cannot control other people so sometimes the only thing that I can do is step back and wait for emotions to settle before continuing the conversation. )

Resources:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2000). Die 7 Geheimnisse der glücklichen Ehe. Düsseldorf: Von Schröder.

(Below is a picture of me and my little cousin- nothing but love) 

Acts of love